What will happen in the new year

I always wonder what I could change in the new year to make my life better. It's a time for reflection, to look back at past mistakes and move forward. I know there are some things that are out of my control, but at the same time I also think that my overall happiness should and is pretty much dependent on me. Basically the big questions I have right now are as follows.

Will I be able to graduate soon?
Where will my life go after I finish my undergrad?
Will I be able to fix the wrongs that I have done this year?
Will I be able to find love or will love finally find me? (sometimes it's hard to notice.. or sometimes it just wants to ignore you)
Where will work take me?

Other than that I have a lot of small questions but those are the biggest ones for now... what do you think will happen?

Cupcakes, Cookies and Baked Goods

I think these days I've been in sort of a funk, but I've been trying to learn to do more things and just build my general life skill set. These days I've been doing a lot more baking then.. well ever before. I've never really baked anything in my life until this year. I guess this is the sort of thing you do when you are trying to get your mind off things, find hobbies and other things to do. In the mean time, I'm just taking things one day at a time and not really thinking about anything, well until January then things pick up again but for now I guess this is what I'm doing, baking, drawing, writing, reading doing things that I haven't really done very much of as of late but I do really enjoy doing it. We'll see what happens. I should probably exercise more too... one step at a time.

Irrationality

The order of events of life seem to be highly irrational. Sometimes what we do for others can be seen as irrational too. For example, I spent an hour or so making a dessert for a friend's birthday only to not have them try it at all. Why would I do such a thing? Highly irrational. I've also found myself in relationships where numerous irrational things happen on either side leading to the eventuality of a separation of individuals. How these separations occur, I have no answer, relationships in general seem highly irrational. Relationships cause us to do a lot of irrational things as well... we form these bonds with individuals who we formerly have no connection with and are often complete strangers. These bonds we form can be infinitely powerful, causing us to do entirely illogical and irrational things that on lookers to our situation would look at and think. What on Earth caused us to do something like that. I really don't know what causes us to do things like that nor do I really hope to comprehend emotions and the intricacies of relationships. I really don't know why I started blogging, but I've lost my focus and I guess it's probably because it's really late now. I don't know who still follows, who still reads my ramblings or if these just go off into space, but my thoughts are the same, I don't know why I like you.. but I do. Whether you read this or not, I guess it doesn't matter, the fact of the matter is that I do. Whether you like me or not, I don't know, I have no control over that. All I can do is to let you know what my feelings are... But in that same sense I can't, because you're in a relationship... So why did I even bother to write all these things? Entirely Irrational, but love is irrational that's what makes it fun and exciting. The ups can be really high but the downs can be really low. What will you do about this, if you should so happen to stumble upon this blog? I don't know. What you do is entirely your decision and all that I want is for you to be happy... So just do what makes you happy. Even if that doesn't include me, all that matters is what makes you happy... Smile, be happy and live life... It'll all work out in the end... Rational or Irrational, it'll all work out in the end.. So what makes me happy? Being irrational I guess... I'll keep doing what I'm doing and try to be happy everyday.. and just smile... = )

Love is in the air

I guess this is a perfect season for love to blossom and bloom, it's happening all around me and I'm happy for those who have found or continue to love this Christmas season. The reason I say this is because I've recently found out some of my closest friends have recently started relationships or have hit milestones in their love life, being engaged, being married, etc. So one would say that love is indeed in the air. Having said this, there's also something to be said about those who have yet to have found love, well not something to be said about them but in regards to them. People like me, sometimes people say they aren't looking but in actuality the reason we say we aren't looking is because of a few reasons. We don't want to seem like all we do is look for a relationship. We don't want to seem lonely. We don't want your pity. We actually enjoy being single, but not long term (at least I tell myself that while I wait for my opportunities to arise... Sometimes things are really out of my control). I do say that I am enjoying it, at times. When I hang out with other single people, but it limits my friends when there are only a handful of us left. A dying breed if you will.. (also not a bad thing, don't get me wrong I am happy for those who have found love).

In some aspects of life, people not in relationships are often excluded from things as well. At least from my perspective I feel I am at times... Case in point, would be some of my friends who have good intentions, but I guess have missed the sensitivity alarm going off. So like, I was hanging out with friends about a week ago, we weren't doing anything special, but the subject of relationships came up and then I realized everyone in the room was in a relationship except for me. Not a big deal so far as this is often the case for me these days. The thing that got me was when one of my friend mentioned how they went on a couples only date, and how they said I should have went... *at this point my mind was thinking* "REALLY now... REALLY???" I didn't know how to respond other than ignoring it and moving on. But sometimes, and this may seem a bit of a rant, sometimes you people in relationships don't really notice your friends who aren't in them, and your actions clearly show. Public displays of affection are good in moderate amounts with larger groups of people. Not so much with a handful of people especially when there are individuals who are single around (if not them then me).

Now I don't want to sound bitter but I guess what I'm trying to say is that love is in the air and in time everyone will find their one true love. So for those of you who have found love and you know with a certainty you've found love then hold on to it.. for those of you who may be unsure, take a step back and ask yourself a few questions to help you understand whether you really are in love or if it's time to move on.. sometimes the longer you hold on to something that isn't right, the more pain it will cause in the end (I know from experience)... and for those of you who are in the same boat as me... well.. it's tough out there, but one day it'll be our turn too... until then just smile because we're still alive... as long as we have that there's still hope... so Merry Christmas, miracles can happen... and finding love is truly a miracle worth treasuring, even if it is for but a moment.

I don't have that Killer instinct

I guess I'm too kindhearted because I'm not selling enough in my commission retail job. I let other people get sales that should be mine, but I'm not really too concerned. I think at first it was something I was interested in but I don't think retail sales is for me. I'm not too sure... I do enjoy selling things but at the same time I don't like the pressure that I have to need to perform. Sometimes I wish I had the "killer instinct" to be in sales, or just to be more aggressive in life. I usually just sit back and let things come as they do, but there are some things in life that really are and should be fought for. I don't know why it is though that I don't do that, to an extent. I guess at work I don't think that it's life or death if I work there. But I will admit that there are a few things at the moment I'm fighting for... maybe not to the extent that I'll be overly bold and aggressive but in my own way I am definitely not giving up.

How will things end up? I'll see what happens in the future, will I get what I want? Who knows... only time will tell I guess...

Confusion

So this has been one of the biggest things going on in my life as of late... confusion... and a lot of it. Not knowing if I want this or that, or if I want to be here or there. Sometimes I wish that people can choose for me what I will do in life. It'd make it so much easier, but then where's the fun in that. As of late, I'm just wondering what I should do... should I keep doing what I'm doing? Is there going to be an end to this? Or should I just stop and move on? 

The funny thing about confusion is that you really don't have any resolution until you finally step up and make a decision. Then follow through with it. I've been making decisions based on this or that... sometimes I'm really confused whether I made the right choice or not... Other times it seems like I'm walking down a road that has no end... But I guess that's part of confusion.. You never really know what will happen or what you should do... Sometimes the emotions get in the way too... Well not even sometimes... it does all the time... Well, emotions are messy... but they also make life worth living... Will the confusion go away? I'm not sure.. will it end well? Maybe... One can only hope for something more...

I guess... It's Christmas time, so Miracles aren't out of the question. Christmas Miracles!!! 

Imagine

Lying here in bed, I have a lot of time to think about things. Often times my thoughts lead to daydreams or just plain old regular ones. Sometimes I like to get away from reality by imagining what life would be like, if this happened, or if I didn't do that. I realize it is a wasted effort but at the same time provides me with an escape... Not that I'm sad or anything but sometimes living in a fantasy world is so much better... but why can't reality be as good as fantasy? I think it can be.. it just might not always be that way... more often than not... *horrible analogy coming up* you need to read a bunch of bad books before you can read a single good book. I've been reading a lot of books, when will I find the one that has a good ending? Hopefully the next book I read... Will I choose the book or will the book choose me? Life's funny like that.. we think we have choice but... do we? I don't know...

It's funny when...

So it's kind of funny sometimes, how someone warns you of something. You ignore the warning... Then it happens! I won't go in to details but needless to say, I think it's kind of funny. Sometimes, I think life is trying to tell you something when something like that happens. But often I don't really pay attention to signs a lot of the time, especially life signs... even though it sometimes does warn me of impending implosion. Sometimes you just gotta follow your heart. It might cause immense heartache and sadness, but at the same time it can lead you down a road where you grown and experience happiness beyond what you could dream. We'll see what happens down this road. I wonder if I'll have more funny moments, like today. They're awesome... Defying the odds is how I try to live my life every day. maybe... It really was a good day today though. I think any day is a good day when you get to see the people that make you happiest. Family and friends included.

3am

Aptly named blog post, it's 3am here and I'm up... Why might you ask? I don't know really. I just got home... although I wasn't out all night I actually just stepped out for a few hours.. First time I've left the house at 1am to go out... but anyways.. more than that I've noticed I have a lot of free time. A lot more than I felt I would. Anyways, I think that I've been going about life in the entirely wrong way. I've been trying to actively pursue things and make things happen in my life. Although my attitude and how I carry myself would say otherwise... I've come to the realization that if I were to have anything happen... I can't force it. I need to just take it as it is, if things do happen then they happen. If not, then nothing in the world I do will make it happen. Not really an Earth shattering revelation but it's my little epiphany if you will. One of many I've had in recent weeks. There's something to be said about everything that's been going on in my life. I think it's leading me down a path I never really would have taken or thought about going down and I'm not sure if it's a path that is good or bad yet as I've only begun this next phase of my life.

Will I have more 3am blogs? More likely than not I will... but in any event things will be as they are for the time being and of changes in my life. I can't foresee anything big happening. Maybe? Christmas miracles still happen, but I'm not really in need of anything this Christmas. I just want my friends to be happy. Not the superficial, I'm fine, or I'm good. But I want all of my friends and loved ones to feel sincere joy and happiness in their lives. I think that's my biggest wish in life. Is for those around me that I love, family and friends... is for them all to just have all their troubles seem insignificant or gone. I know I can't influence things like this but maybe, I'll change things. One problem, one worry, one stress, and come up with solutions. One person at a time.

Suck it up...

Listening to Marianas Trench - All to Myself right now. The lyrics kind of stick out to me right now, the song is like an emo rock ish song, pop rock? alternative rock? not really sure.. but anyways..  The chorus is catchy...

Did you say 
Please just follow me
I thought you wanted me 
Cause I want you all to myself
I can try and suck it up 
I just can't suck it up
Make me feel like someone else
Please just follow me
I thought you wanted me 
Cause I want you all to myself
I can try and suck it up 
I just can't suck it up
Make me feel like someone else

I don't know why these lyrics of everything stood out to me. It kind of seems very emo, but I guess that's the style of music or at least the people they target. Anyways, I seem to like them more these days. Maybe I'm secretly emo, so secret that I myself don't know it!

Anyways, what was I going to say? Suck it up is pretty much the way I've been feeling lately about things. Work is super boring, just gotta suck it up... Life is chugging along slowly, just gotta suck it up... Things don't always turn out like I want, but whatever, just gotta suck it up... =D No one can really expect life to be perfect and sometimes all you can do about something is just suck it up...

hmmm... it's late... I guess that's all for tonight peeps.. =) I'll post something more meaningful later...

Bruno Mars

So this aptly named blog post is probably because I've been listening to a lot of Bruno Mars recently and his songs are so on point about things going on in my life, at least some things.. not ALL of his songs. But more so than his songs alone, I think I just wanted to write about the power of music and how influential it can be. Music can change the mood of anything instantly with a few notes or chords played in a certain rhythm or tone. I think music really does have the power to mend broken hearts, to cure sadness, pain, suffering... sometimes I think music really is inspired of God. In a way he gives us the ability to create such beautiful sound for us to be able to separate ourselves from physical and bring us into the emotional realm of feeling. I'm not saying all music is like this, because there is a lot of pop noise going on in the world that isn't bad but I don't know. Sometimes music isn't just the sound, but the lyrics or emotions. I don't really know how to explain what I feel about it but I just feel that music really does play a powerful role in our lives even if we aren't fans of music it really does change who we are. Why else are there so many studies on children and infants on music? I think those scientists are on to something because music early in life can change one's life. Ok so my mind is off right now... Sort of a mix of thoughts, emotions, feelings and all sorts of mish-mash going on right now in my brain... like someone took a rainbow blender and turned it on awesome. Haha... it's like a happy rainbow tornado. Weird analogy. Since my thoughts are all blended into rainbow awesomeness, I guess I'm done this post. Peace

Today is a Good Day

So I'll be blogging with more frequency because I got a hardware upgrade, so my blog will be more accessible to me, rather more convenient as I've been blogging from my phone for the past little while. In any event, I think this was one of the reasons that today was a good day.

That and the fact that it was just a generally happy day sort of atmosphere. Everything that could go right went right... except for waiting at home for 9 hours for Purolator to come, they give HUGE time frames for people to wait for. Anyways, food always makes the day better and well I just wanted to tell you all that my general mood went way up today. Well relatively way up... So I'll be blogging more often from now on.. =)

I'm on a Bus

Sitting on a bus going places gives you a lot of time to think. I don't really know why a lot of things happen the way they do. I look at all aspects of things and over analyze everything, sometimes its good. Sometimes its bad. In every situation however regardless of how much I analyze one of two things happens. 1 - I do something totally irrational and then the situation blows up in my face. Or 2 - I do nothing and because I'm afraid to take the risks associated with any course of action so I take none and nothing happens positive in my favour.

Is this good? I'm not sure. My life isn't in a horrible position right now but it's not where I expected to be 5 or 10 years ago. I guess what matters the most is what I do with the next little phase of my life. Will I make choices that are positive? In terms of education, careers, or relationships. Your guess is as good as mine as to where I'll be in regards to all these categories of life. I hope as the new year draws nearer the new beginning that it brings will also bring positive changes in all these aspects of my life. I guess thats what it is. Like a long bus ride, we get off where we want and what we do after that is upto us. All life does is take us where we need to be and it's upto us to make the most of it. Here's to next year and positive changes. Wish me luck.