What do you want to be?

I'm at a phase in my life where every day I am being asked this exact question. "What do you want to be?" Honestly, I don't know what I want to be. Ever since I was a child my dreams have always been so wide. Some kids dreamed of being pilots, firefighters, police officers, lawyers, doctors, engineers, etc. What did I dream of becoming? All of those. Every job I ever could imagine or think of I have wanted to be at some point or another. Sanitation engineer, postman, public transit bus operator, librarian, professional athlete (although admittedly most boys growing up wanted to be this), the list goes on. Why is this relevant to where I'm at now? Well even today I face the same dilemma, but with the impending responsibility of being an adult now looming over me, and that same question "What do you want to be?" bludgeoning me over the head repeatedly.

"What does this have to do with anything?" you may be asking yourself. Well the reason this is such an important thing to me and to millions of people around the world is as follows. Without a goal of where we want to be in life, then it really doesn't matter where we go. I'm reminded of the cat from Alice in Wonderland written by Lewis Carol when it converses with Alice.

She asks "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?", a similar question posed by many in their 20's and onward about life? Where do I go from here? What's the next stage of life?

The cat replies "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to", when we have a goal in life of what we want to accomplish, then knowing where to go becomes a lot easier. We have steps to take in order to get to the goal and when we take action in moving forward it guides our decisions and choices.

Alice tells the cat "I don't much care where". Sometimes we don't necessarily care what we do on the day to day and for many that is fine. They are still able to live very capable fulfilling lives. For me however, it's not so much I don't care, but I feel a sense of anxiety when trying to determine the perfect path for my life.

This is where this whole thing comes full circle to me, the cat responds to her statement with the following "Then it doesn't matter much which way you go"
Alice chimes in with "So long as I get somewhere"
The cat then says something profound, which can be applied to a life without goals or direction when he says "Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough"

For most people their goals include health, happiness and prosperity in some way shape or form. Those who are driven to achieve this, attain these goals much faster than those who  have no goals or direction. The difference between the two is precisely the cat's sage advice which essentially that, in order to get to some point down the line, it will happen regardless of what we do. If we have no goals, we meander around going to and fro, and eventually we will get to where we will end up, but it takes longer, and often requires more effort to get there.I goalless life requires more work in finding where one needs to be in life.

Why bring this up or even share this? I'm not entirely sure. To me blogging has become some sort of stress relief. My life as I stand is much like Alice at the crossroads with the cat, asking me where do I want to go? Right now... I can say I don't know for sure, but I do know where I don't want to be, so for now I guess I'll take what I can get and press forward one day at a time, step by step, moment by moment till I make a choice. Ultimately what we do will be what we choose, I'll then be able to answer the whole question of "What do you want to be?".

When will it be my time?

Lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and where I'll be in a few years. I guess I'm at this stage in my life where people are in relationships and starting families. While here I am... losing hope. It's been like almost 3 years since I've been in a relationship and I'm starting to wonder if it's me. I know it's unhealthy to think in that way but people always say how great I am and they're always surprised to know why I'm single. I would say I'm an optimistic person but there are moments often when it comes to relationships that I just can't deal with it. Loneliness is definitely something that I experience and feel, because friends and family can only fill so much of that void in my life right now. At times like this I try to rely on my faith in God as well, and always ask when will it be my time?

Am I being punished for my past mistakes? For the choices I've made? I wish I knew...

I feel a lot of people have come in and out of my life. For good or for bad, everyone has a time in my life. I'm just searching for that one person that will want to come into my life and stay around because they want to be there. For now I'm still looking out for that person. Who it'll be? I don't know. Where will she come from? Hopefully someone I'm prepared to meet from God. When I'll meet her? I don't know. Maybe I've already met her and I don't even know it. Or maybe she hasn't come into my life yet. Still for now I think I'll just be who I am... work on myself and try to become a better person for myself and for the woman I'll meet one day.

How to get over someone?

So I really have this terrible thing with timing in life. I'm always late to the punch, or way too early. I don't know what it is. Right now I'm sort of dealing with rejection of sorts. It sort of goes along with my previous post about finding love. I really am bad at trying to get over someone. So this is always something I'm interested in because I guess so much of my life has been searching for love. Trying to understand attraction between individuals and how all that works with my life. I guess since it's a new year I will be more proactive about my love life and take more initiative like I have been doing during the latter half of the year. I think it's something that's hard for me to do because I have so many reservations and I often leave myself out there way too often in the wrong situation so it takes me a bit to recover. I often find myself being attracted to unavailable girls as well. They usually come from a land far far away, or are emotionally unavailable or some combination of both. I don't know why that is. I guess it might stem from my Wanderlust (The desire to travel the world). There is also a level of my connection with the object of my interest that I just happen to "click" well with those most unavailable to me. Or maybe I just know what I want... do I? If I did I would be more certain of my decisions in life and well yeah. I suppose that this would be a good way for me to try to get over someone. By keeping up with this blog and doing a number of other personal interest things (pursue my photography, develop my craft and creativity). Hmm... Was this a blog about how to get over someone?Or just a rant for me to help me get over someone... In any event I want to just say... Girls are stupid throw rocks at them... haha. The same applies in reverse because guys are stupid, if you throw rocks at us we will have interest in you.

Finding Love and Passions in Life

There's something about life that makes things hard, everyone is searching for happiness and love. The problem is when you think you've found it, it might not be exactly as it seems. Hmm...

I'm not sure really what I want to say right now. I just feel that this is something I should do today because I haven't done it in a while and I really want to make this a more frequent or regular thing, I just get lazy sometimes.

Recently I've decided to be more proactive in my dating life, although I think I need to work a lot on my timing. I've been a bit more open in asking people out on dates and seeking out women that I feel I have a connection with, maybe my shy nature is still a big part of who I am because I am still incredibly afraid to ask the opposite sex on dates. Even if it isn't a huge commitment, it's still one of the scariest things for me to do. I think I'm at an age where I really want to find love, but I think that can be any age. I guess I'm feeling a bit of pressure to find a relationship and eventually get married. There are times when I think is it me? Is there something wrong with me? It gets a little discouraging sometimes. I tell myself I have bad timing when it comes to these things, for the most part I feel I do. It's sort of strange because I keep hearing people say to me "you're such a great person, why are you still single?" and other things that are along those similar lines. Whenever I hear people ask me these things I have a few thoughts that usually cross my mind. The first is usually "No one loves me for who I am", the second is "I'm unattractive to the opposite sex", the third is "I need to change to make myself more attractive". I know these are very destructive thoughts to be having but I guess that's sort of my natural thought process. Whenever I lose confidence in myself, I notice that I am not as passionate about life and I usually don't feel as much love. I feel like there is a direct correlation between my levels of confidence and my ability to be loved as well as my passions in life. I think that being confident about life brings about the ability to be more passionate in all aspects of your life. I've made a goal to find my passions in life, to not be lazy and pursue those passions to the fullest so that I may find fulfillment in life. Doing things for me with the belief that if I do these things then I will be able to have love find me. At least that's what people tell me. I can't say what 2014 will bring me but here's to a great year for everyone.

I might hop on a bit later and throw out a few more notes but I suppose that's all I have for now.