What do you want to be?

I'm at a phase in my life where every day I am being asked this exact question. "What do you want to be?" Honestly, I don't know what I want to be. Ever since I was a child my dreams have always been so wide. Some kids dreamed of being pilots, firefighters, police officers, lawyers, doctors, engineers, etc. What did I dream of becoming? All of those. Every job I ever could imagine or think of I have wanted to be at some point or another. Sanitation engineer, postman, public transit bus operator, librarian, professional athlete (although admittedly most boys growing up wanted to be this), the list goes on. Why is this relevant to where I'm at now? Well even today I face the same dilemma, but with the impending responsibility of being an adult now looming over me, and that same question "What do you want to be?" bludgeoning me over the head repeatedly.

"What does this have to do with anything?" you may be asking yourself. Well the reason this is such an important thing to me and to millions of people around the world is as follows. Without a goal of where we want to be in life, then it really doesn't matter where we go. I'm reminded of the cat from Alice in Wonderland written by Lewis Carol when it converses with Alice.

She asks "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?", a similar question posed by many in their 20's and onward about life? Where do I go from here? What's the next stage of life?

The cat replies "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to", when we have a goal in life of what we want to accomplish, then knowing where to go becomes a lot easier. We have steps to take in order to get to the goal and when we take action in moving forward it guides our decisions and choices.

Alice tells the cat "I don't much care where". Sometimes we don't necessarily care what we do on the day to day and for many that is fine. They are still able to live very capable fulfilling lives. For me however, it's not so much I don't care, but I feel a sense of anxiety when trying to determine the perfect path for my life.

This is where this whole thing comes full circle to me, the cat responds to her statement with the following "Then it doesn't matter much which way you go"
Alice chimes in with "So long as I get somewhere"
The cat then says something profound, which can be applied to a life without goals or direction when he says "Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough"

For most people their goals include health, happiness and prosperity in some way shape or form. Those who are driven to achieve this, attain these goals much faster than those who  have no goals or direction. The difference between the two is precisely the cat's sage advice which essentially that, in order to get to some point down the line, it will happen regardless of what we do. If we have no goals, we meander around going to and fro, and eventually we will get to where we will end up, but it takes longer, and often requires more effort to get there.I goalless life requires more work in finding where one needs to be in life.

Why bring this up or even share this? I'm not entirely sure. To me blogging has become some sort of stress relief. My life as I stand is much like Alice at the crossroads with the cat, asking me where do I want to go? Right now... I can say I don't know for sure, but I do know where I don't want to be, so for now I guess I'll take what I can get and press forward one day at a time, step by step, moment by moment till I make a choice. Ultimately what we do will be what we choose, I'll then be able to answer the whole question of "What do you want to be?".

Closing Time

Over the past decade or so I've worked in retail for about half of that time and there's one thing I've come to realize with respect to customers is that there are two basic customer types when you're trying to close up shop. The ones that respect the fact that the establishment is closing and do their best to leave before the shop closes up. Then there's the ones that don't care who you are as a human being and try to linger there as long as humanly possible. I never really understood why this second group of people exist. What makes them think that closing time is just a suggestion and they can disregard our store hours because they want to shop? The people I'm talking about always come in 5 minutes before the store is about to close then stay upwards of 15-20 minutes past closing time, even when we tell them that the store is closed. There are even some that have the audacity to come after we close and say "we'll be quick". Are we enabling them when we allow them to stay so long, as if to reinforce the idea that they're entitled to stay and leisurely shop as if we as workers have no place else to go. I understand their desire to shop for things they may want, but at the same time, most of these people don't usually end up buying very much. Do people inherently see retail workers as people who are at a lower class than they are? I work specifically in a gift shop where parents seem to feel that the toy store is daycare center where they can leave their children to wreak havoc in the store, throwing things around and leaving everything wherever they feel like it. But back to my main point which is that people feel entitled to linger around a store to "shop". While I know there are some people who genuinely enjoy purchasing souvenirs at tourist attraction, a majority of people just waste time as if they have no where better to be. I often wonder why it is that people do this. Do they not want to go home? Do they feel as if their day will be more fulfilling when they shop? I really don't know what it is, but I feel that people should be required to work a year of retail before entering in to the world for whatever they do so that they can get a better appreciation for people in the service industry. Whether it be in retail, food service, or other, people should just treat each other with the same respect that individuals deserve to be treated with. I guess that's the underlying theme in my rant today. Is that people need to learn how to treat others with love and respect. But that's a different story for another time.

When will it be my time?

Lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and where I'll be in a few years. I guess I'm at this stage in my life where people are in relationships and starting families. While here I am... losing hope. It's been like almost 3 years since I've been in a relationship and I'm starting to wonder if it's me. I know it's unhealthy to think in that way but people always say how great I am and they're always surprised to know why I'm single. I would say I'm an optimistic person but there are moments often when it comes to relationships that I just can't deal with it. Loneliness is definitely something that I experience and feel, because friends and family can only fill so much of that void in my life right now. At times like this I try to rely on my faith in God as well, and always ask when will it be my time?

Am I being punished for my past mistakes? For the choices I've made? I wish I knew...

I feel a lot of people have come in and out of my life. For good or for bad, everyone has a time in my life. I'm just searching for that one person that will want to come into my life and stay around because they want to be there. For now I'm still looking out for that person. Who it'll be? I don't know. Where will she come from? Hopefully someone I'm prepared to meet from God. When I'll meet her? I don't know. Maybe I've already met her and I don't even know it. Or maybe she hasn't come into my life yet. Still for now I think I'll just be who I am... work on myself and try to become a better person for myself and for the woman I'll meet one day.

How to get over someone?

So I really have this terrible thing with timing in life. I'm always late to the punch, or way too early. I don't know what it is. Right now I'm sort of dealing with rejection of sorts. It sort of goes along with my previous post about finding love. I really am bad at trying to get over someone. So this is always something I'm interested in because I guess so much of my life has been searching for love. Trying to understand attraction between individuals and how all that works with my life. I guess since it's a new year I will be more proactive about my love life and take more initiative like I have been doing during the latter half of the year. I think it's something that's hard for me to do because I have so many reservations and I often leave myself out there way too often in the wrong situation so it takes me a bit to recover. I often find myself being attracted to unavailable girls as well. They usually come from a land far far away, or are emotionally unavailable or some combination of both. I don't know why that is. I guess it might stem from my Wanderlust (The desire to travel the world). There is also a level of my connection with the object of my interest that I just happen to "click" well with those most unavailable to me. Or maybe I just know what I want... do I? If I did I would be more certain of my decisions in life and well yeah. I suppose that this would be a good way for me to try to get over someone. By keeping up with this blog and doing a number of other personal interest things (pursue my photography, develop my craft and creativity). Hmm... Was this a blog about how to get over someone?Or just a rant for me to help me get over someone... In any event I want to just say... Girls are stupid throw rocks at them... haha. The same applies in reverse because guys are stupid, if you throw rocks at us we will have interest in you.